This was originally written in 2015, after moving to Colombia and looking for ways to meet cool people. Did not actually meet people. Now I’m in LA trying to meet cool people. My story has not changed. This can still totally be applied to today.
START: DOWNLOAD TINDER
*Must be noted* My experience with Tinder is extremely limited: Mostly just 24-hour stints of trying to see how many more matches I could get than my boyfriend and then back to the Cloud it would go. So when I re-downloaded it, I proceeded with caution. What is “Moment” anyway? And what should a solid profile picture consist of?
I start swiping. Left. Left. Right. Match. Feel good about yourself for .24 seconds. Keep Playing. Left. Left. Whatsapp message from friend with screenshot of your profile. Die a little from embarrassment. Left. Left. Left. Fuck wait! I meant Right! Left. Right. Match. Keep Playing. Right. Right. Match. Keep Playing. Left. Left. Left. Right. (Seriously!? No Match?!) Left. Left. Meh.. Right. Left. Left. Hey, I know that guy! Left. Left. Right…
A few red dots pop up with messages from Matches. My bio is apparently selling me well (“I really like food”). No creepy messages yet, which is chill, though I feel awkward responding. Are they taking this seriously? Am I?? I peruse my profile pics again and I feel like I’m cat fishing these people. Photos 2 and 3 are definitely circa 2012. Whatever, it’s fucking Tinder dude.
A few Matches have struck up some good conversation. Mostly other foreigners also living abroad, which is fine with me and mostly talking about food (also fine with me). Finally the moment I’ve been most dreading/curious about: “We should go to [insert relevant place/activity here] some time!”
Fuck. Immediate text to my best guy friend/instigator of this personal-social experiment, “What do I say???!”
Friend gives some solid options, reminds me to not go back to his house after said meet-up.
“Duh. Obviously I’m not trying to get kidnapped.”
Friends response to one of my responses: “WTF. You just acted like you wanna go to his house.”
FUCK. Wait what? How??! Realize I literally have ZERO chill. What the fuck is flirting anyway!?
Dissect the conversation between me and Match a little longer (too many haha’s) and continue the realization how lame/Bridget Jones-esque I’m being. I immediately turn off my phone and try to sleep. Considering sending that shit back to the Cloud.
END: SEND BACK TO CLOUD